An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Birds and Bees
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
Poor Guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Funny Sms-4
Mareez Doctor se: Koi Lambi umar karny ka tareeqa bataiye...
Doctor: Shadi kar lo..
Mareez: Kya is se umar lambi ho jayegi?
Doctor: Nahi! Ye shoq khatam ho jayega.
Doctor: Shadi kar lo..
Mareez: Kya is se umar lambi ho jayegi?
Doctor: Nahi! Ye shoq khatam ho jayega.
Funny Sms-3
TRUCK dusre truck ko rassi se bandh ker leja raha tha:
Ye daykh ker 1 sardar hans ker lot pot ho gaya or kehnay laga:
Ek Rassi ko lai janay k liyay
2 2 truck.
Ye daykh ker 1 sardar hans ker lot pot ho gaya or kehnay laga:
Ek Rassi ko lai janay k liyay
2 2 truck.
Funny SMS-2
Tang main phir aaj aapko kar raha hon,
Guzarish dua ki aapse kar raha hon,
Hamaray liye dua karen aisi kuch khas,
K papers main ho jaen gud nos se pass,
Nazil qudrat ki aisi meharbaani ho jaye,
K papers main hamari bohat aasani ho jaye,
Jo yaad kya hai woh bhol na paen,
Aur jo nahi kya woh topic he nahi aayen
Guzarish dua ki aapse kar raha hon,
Hamaray liye dua karen aisi kuch khas,
K papers main ho jaen gud nos se pass,
Nazil qudrat ki aisi meharbaani ho jaye,
K papers main hamari bohat aasani ho jaye,
Jo yaad kya hai woh bhol na paen,
Aur jo nahi kya woh topic he nahi aayen
Funny SMS
Arz kya hai:
k
Ghum hai Tanhaai hai!!!
Ghum hai Tanhaai hai!!!
Beghairto tusi v koi msg bhejo meri koi Haraam ki kamaai aye.
k
Ghum hai Tanhaai hai!!!
Ghum hai Tanhaai hai!!!
Beghairto tusi v koi msg bhejo meri koi Haraam ki kamaai aye.
Quote.13
“We are so inculcated with guilt that we think that weakness is a sin or that it is some crime against nature to be submissive.”
Quote.12
“I feel that what is probably the greatest enemy of longevity is popularity, and most people die of popularity.”
Quote.1
To a human lemming, the logic behind an opinion doesn't count as much as the power and popularity behind an opinion
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Famous Quotes About Getting Old
I much prefer being over the hill to being under it. ~Bruce Lansky
At my age I don’t care if my mind starts to wander- just as long as it comes back again. ~Mike Knowles
Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places. ~Glenn Dorenbush
When you can finally afford the rings you want, you’d rather no one noticed your hands. ~Lois Muehl
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. ~Henny Youngman
At my age I don’t care if my mind starts to wander- just as long as it comes back again. ~Mike Knowles
Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places. ~Glenn Dorenbush
When you can finally afford the rings you want, you’d rather no one noticed your hands. ~Lois Muehl
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. ~Henny Youngman
Top 10 Signs You’re Over The Hill
1. When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. Your best friend is dating someone half their age… and aren’t breaking any laws.
4. You wear black socks with sandals.
5. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
9. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
10. You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. Your best friend is dating someone half their age… and aren’t breaking any laws.
4. You wear black socks with sandals.
5. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
9. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
10. You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday
Top 20 ‘Funny’ SMS Text Messages
The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”
I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.
Crime doesn’t pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.
Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
Never forget that you’re unique, just like everyone else.
I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
What do u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna come.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
Born Free… Taxed to Death.
We will now upgrade your brain, please wait… searching… searching… still searching… sorry NO BRAIN found.
Ok, these are more of a cross between old Confucius sayings and one-liner jokes… but then again I suppose that’s what it’s all about. Feel free to add your own favorites in the
I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.
Crime doesn’t pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.
Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
Never forget that you’re unique, just like everyone else.
I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
What do u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna come.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
Born Free… Taxed to Death.
We will now upgrade your brain, please wait… searching… searching… still searching… sorry NO BRAIN found.
Ok, these are more of a cross between old Confucius sayings and one-liner jokes… but then again I suppose that’s what it’s all about. Feel free to add your own favorites in the
SMS Jokes
Ahh, SMS… the little Short Message Service we can’t live without. Text messages, you know… kind of like twitter but on your phone. Who else sends more than 10 of these a day? I’ve got a friend that averages 1 SMS sent/received every 35 seconds according to his last bill. Crazy. Well, at any rate, here are some popular SMS jokes to help you waste everybody’s time and annoy your friends.
What’s In A Name?
One day little Tommy was walking with an older neighborhood kid named Billy Bob and he got curious.
“Billy Bob,” Tommy asked, “How come everyone calls you by your first name and your middle name instead of just Billy?”
“Well,” Billy Bob answered, “When I was little like you, I used to get in trouble a lot, and when I did my mom always called me by both names. I guess after a while, it just stuck.”
“Oh no!” Tommy cried. “I’d better straighten up then!”
“Why’s that?” Billy Bob asked.
“I don’t want to end up being called ‘you little sh#!’ for the rest of my life!”
“Billy Bob,” Tommy asked, “How come everyone calls you by your first name and your middle name instead of just Billy?”
“Well,” Billy Bob answered, “When I was little like you, I used to get in trouble a lot, and when I did my mom always called me by both names. I guess after a while, it just stuck.”
“Oh no!” Tommy cried. “I’d better straighten up then!”
“Why’s that?” Billy Bob asked.
“I don’t want to end up being called ‘you little sh#!’ for the rest of my life!”
A Pirate Joke
With all the pirates hijacking ships for ransom and stuff like that going on in the news, I figured we’d throw out a pirate joke for your reading pleasure… Argg!
The Duck Hunter
The Duck Hunter
A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals.
Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. “Sir,” the doc begins “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there’s no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”
“Wow, that’s great!” replied the hunter. “So what’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
“Oh, well that’s not so bad I guess,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals.
Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. “Sir,” the doc begins “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there’s no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”
“Wow, that’s great!” replied the hunter. “So what’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
“Oh, well that’s not so bad I guess,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
Little Johnny’s Playing Partner
Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what’s going on. “Playing cards,” she replies. “Who’s your partner?” asked little johnny. “Your father!”
Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister’s room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. “Playing cards.” “With who?” he asks. ”My boyfriend!” she says.
A short while later, Little Johnny’s father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny’s room. He knocks on the door and asks ”What are you doing?” “Playing cards!” replied Johnny. ”Who’s your partner?” asked his father…
Little Johnny answers promptly, “With a hand like this who needs a partner?”
Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister’s room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. “Playing cards.” “With who?” he asks. ”My boyfriend!” she says.
A short while later, Little Johnny’s father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny’s room. He knocks on the door and asks ”What are you doing?” “Playing cards!” replied Johnny. ”Who’s your partner?” asked his father…
Little Johnny answers promptly, “With a hand like this who needs a partner?”
Or What?
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what’s wrong, and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, “For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
The wife tells him, “For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
The Confessional Booth
After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.
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